Unfinished Mosaic

Bitter Remembrance

2005-11-30T21:00:00.000-08:00

It's getting close. Close to the anniversary of what that thrice damned peice of shit did to me. Maybe that's why I'm so angry. I hate the bastard. I hate him for what he did. I hate him for the fact he doesn't even remember. My life went to hell that day, but he continued on as normal.
Why? Why shouldn't he be the one who hurts? Why can't he be the one to need drugs just to be normal? Why should I be the one who has to fight back suicide thoughts? Why should my marriage suffer because of him?
WHY?!?!?!

But there's no answer. Nothing that helps. Sure it's because of sin entering hte world. I know that line. You know what? It doesn't change a damn thing! Nothing changes. Except I sink farther into feelings of inadequacy, of being forever flawed. And why? Because Brian didn't give a shit about me! All he cared about was getting his dick wet.
I hate him so much. I hate him I hate him I hate him.
I hate him.

2005-11-30T20:44:00.000-08:00

I hate sex.
I hate the pressure.
I hate power play
I hate unfairness of it all.
Damn men.
It's so easy for them.
Then they get "frustrated" when we aren't interested.
Why the fuck should we be interested?
All it is is pressure to do something that we get nothing out of.
I hate it I hate it I hate it.
I hate how much I fear sex.
I hate me. I hate that I am so different.
I hate being broken.
I don't wanna be broken
I want to be normal.
I want not hurt anymore.
I want the pressures to go away. I just want them to go away.
I don't want to think about sex
I just want it to go away.

Good Vibrations

2005-11-15T18:59:00.000-08:00

I always feel so strange after masturbating...like a tensed up bundle of nerves. If I don't stay tense, I will get depressed, and I don't want that. But I don't want tense either. So I'm going to try some relaxation breathing. If that doesn't work, I'll go smoke.
To be honest, it is probably not just sexual tension. I can feel all hte days tension coming back and climbing on board. My big insecurity right now is that I haven't orgasmed. But it's a generouse insecurity, it makes room for all my other worries too.
f
But, anywho, for tonights report. Two very intense pre-orgasms...once again stalled by my thinking about them to much. But what the hell. Maybe I'll get a little further each time...
Holding my electric bvibrator to my face felt good and distracted me enough to get me pretty far along. It was nice. Also, if you hold it on your nose, you sneeze.
I'm trying to get more comfortable with my pussy, so I tasted my moisture, mixed with lube. Kinda sweet and salty.

Decision I've made today: Work on orgasm during self love, just have fun with sex.

Walls

2005-09-04T20:30:00.000-07:00

I want walls. Walls to protect me. Walls to keep me safe.
But there is no wall high enough. No brick thick enough. Walls are not safety.
Guns. I have a gun. When I'm alone, I carry it around the house.
But Guns fire when the trigger is pulled. Who it is aimed at doesn't matter.
Guns carry safety and danger side by side.
Peace. I crave peace. I desire so much to be free of fear.
But fear is the only constant I have.

When I dream at night, I dream of my husband hurting me. Not rape, nothing so extreme,just not stoppingwhen I ask him. Not letting me go. And I hit him. Ipull his hair. I hurt him, to make him stop. And I don't feel it is wrong.

But when I walk in the waking world, and he pulls me close, I pull away, terrified. Desperate. Ready to lash out. Ready to hurt him. Ready to make him stop.
And it does not good.
Still, I feel helpless.
Still, I feel afraid.
And for these feelings, I would hurt willingly the man I love.

Walls. I need them on all sides, to keep him away. To keep him safe. So I don't have to carry my gun. So I don't have to be afraid that I'll shoot him. Or myself.
Walls, I need them to trap me. But I'm already trapped, with walls of terror.

I wish...

2005-08-22T20:07:00.000-07:00

I wish, that I could feel safe. I wish every creak and groan of the house settling didn't set me on edge. I wish, I didn't fear so much.
Perhaps it's my PTSD. That made it worse. But I never remember a time I wasn't afraid of the dark. Oh, I know, the dark can't hurt me. But the dark hides so many things that can.
I am carrying my gun with me tonight, all around the house. And I hold the unfinished teddy bear I am making close. It's missing an ear. I'm making it for my nephew. He turns 1 next Wednesday.
Sometimes, I look at him, and my heart breaks. So many broken children, broken people, were once as happy and as innocent as he is. Will his fate be the same? Will he ever feel safe?

So I thought

2005-08-09T20:00:00.000-07:00

That I was done.
But can I ever be done? Can I ever truly heal?
Fuck it, yes, but I guess I'm not there yet.

Goodbye

2005-06-23T16:57:00.000-07:00

I've changed.
I no longer have to focus on the assault. In fact, I don't want to.
Sex still frustrates me, but that's not going to change, till I can learn to let it go.
To be less serious.
So I'm saying goodbye. I may come back and add entries, but I have no idea when.
Don't be sad, I'm at a better place. The place where I'm at is healty. It means I've finally stopped being a victim. Now, I'm just a survivor.

O

2005-06-07T12:31:00.000-07:00

Last night I lay in bed, you guessed it, depressed. ONce again upset that I just can't seem to orgasm. I can't explain the twisty curvy path my mind trod, but lets just say I was tempted to be angry at God, realized that it was just a way of ignoring my own despair, and actually found some peace. Peace you say? I thought this was a bitchy depressed, narcisstic blog?
But yup, I found some peace. One thing M, who I'm still mad at, had told me that was useful, was that I had to allow myself to grieve, and to feel angry. So last night, I grieved for my inability to orgasm. I face the fact that I may never have one, and I let myself hurt, be angry, and cry over that.
It was a huge relief. A tension inside me just vanished. I think because I didn't want to let myself believe I couldn't orgasm, that I wasputting a whole lot of pressure on myself to orgasm, making it less likely, etc etc.
After the tension left, I started noticing something in my genital area. It's hard to describe, but it was a bit of hightening of sensation. I can kinda control it, I just have to think about it. So, I'm playing with that for awhile, and trying to not fall into the same circle I described above. Trying to just be. Perhaps it's the first step to letting go and not focusing on the big O so much. Sex can be fun, even without O. I need to just not care as much.

Hell

2005-06-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

I sit down to write, but I’m not sure what to say. I haven’t been able to write lately. Too much has been going on. Too many things that I just don’t understand enough to express them.
I’m trying to be less self focused. M says that my not blogging is a sign of that success. Ahh, M. My Counselor for almost 2 years. He’s helped me learn so much about myself, and J, and Marriage. And yesterday, he dumped me.
No, this isn’t a lifetime story where I fell in love with my shrink. I say he dumped me in reference to him telling me there as nothing else he could do for me. During, and afterwards, it felt like a break up. I understood where he was coming from, but I was scared. Who would help me now (Romantic Relationship Version: Who will love me now)? Was I unfixable (RRV: Was I unlovable)?
I felt so abandoned. So alone.
I cried, wept all the way home. Not safe for driving, but what the hell? I couldn’t stay there, at the source of my pain.
I had to be alone, so I could be free to hurt. Those of you who know me real, real well, know I can be down in public, but I don’t cry in public. It took along time for me to be able to cry around J.
So here I am, my world turned upside down. As I write, my internal dialogue starts up: “Make sure you put something positive in there. You don’t want them to pity you, or think you whine.” My inner self is ever conscious of others thoughts.
But, I’m going to choose to not be. This is my life. It sucks right now. Depression sucks. Getting dumped by your counselor sucks.
But it’s my reality, and I just have to deal with it.
So don’t pity me. I’ll live. If you think I’m whiny, well stop reading my blog. I vent here. If you think I’m a bit bitchy right now, you’re probably right.
But, if you want to see the struggles millions of people go through with depression, then perhaps I’m a window. If you aren’t here, be glad. If you are, then at least you’re not alone in hell.

Pain

2005-05-20T19:41:00.000-07:00

Pain. It’s one of the few things we can inflict or with hold. It breaks through our walls of numbness, relieving us of the nothingness of shock. If we hurt, we know we are alive.
Is it any wonder so many people are self destructive?
Happiness is fleeting, and can be ruined by those around us. Pain cannot. Others can cause us pain, but if they stop, we can continue it.
It’s easy.
At least the physical pain is. They call it self mutilation, when you cut yourself. But you do it so you can feel….so you can control something, anything.
The emotional pain? That’s trickier. You hate it, you fear losing it. You hurt yourself to help you deal with it.
Anything to avoid facing life’s uncertainties. Because there is no control. In so many ways we are at the mercy of the wind. So we embrace our hated lover, that of pain.
It’s a sick dance we do, to avoid acceptance that control is naught but an illusion.

OUCH!!!

2005-04-28T19:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, I tried to wax my bikini area.
Well, it doesn't hurt as you pull it off, which is good. Otherwise I'd have waxy paper stuck down there.
But it does hurt immeadetly afterwards. And it doesn't pull all the hair out. Soo, I get the bright idea, I'll just pluck
Some places hurt, some don't. Some REally hurt.
Why oh why can't there be an easier way?

Size

2005-04-20T18:41:00.000-07:00

Perspective. Isn't it an interesting thing. I will say the first one, is much more ueseful, though it is sometimes fun getting it inside me.

This one,I don't like so much. Vibes don't do much inside you, it has no way to stimulate the outer third of your vagina, and it's the wrong shape to use on your clit.

Little Girl

2005-04-15T23:01:00.000-07:00

It's ok, little girl, I'm here now. I realize what's happening. I didn't know you were hurting. I just knew I hurt.
Your still beautiful. I remember your smiling face. I remember that pretty dress, red velvet with a white skirt with red roses. I remember how you posed, trying to look like a model. But models aren't real. You are.
And your ok.
I know it's scary. You've had to hide for so long from this cruel world. Parent never accepted you. She always told you how you had failed. But Parent failed. She should have loved you as you were.
I look at my kiddos at school, and I don't wonder why they are dumb, I'm proud of them for being smart enough to survive. That's what Parent should have been, but she never learned how. We shouldn't hate her, but we won't let her hurt you anymore.
I'll protect you little girl. I'll hold you when your sad. I'll keep Parent from being mean. I'll tell you how much I love you. Because your worth it. Your ok.
So what if your not an Alist celebrity, who cares. Your good enough. Your ok.
You haven't learned how to do much more than just rely on your natural talent, so learning to work towards something will be hard. but you can do it. And even if you can't, that's ok.
When your ready, little girl, I'll be waiting to play withyou. To love you. To hold you.
When your ready, when you feel safe.

Phases of Rape Trauma

2005-04-10T17:34:00.000-07:00

Phases of Rape Trauma
(for full version of the original article, follow the link)

By Linda Castoria
Italicized Comments are by Katt

PHASE ONE - ACUTE OR IMPACT STAGE
This stage is characterized by a rise in tension in response to stress. There is an increase in the level of tension and an increase in the feelings of being upset. At this point, the problem may be: (a) solved; (b) redefined in order to achieve needed satisfaction; or (c) avoided through needed resignation and relinquishment of goals.

If the rape crisis is not solved, major disorganization may ensue. The rape victim may have general feelings of helplessness, state of confusion and inability to think clearly about how to evaluate reality.

This first phase has been described as an acute reaction taking the form of shock, disbelief and dismay. This may begin when victims first realizes they must deal with the consequences of the rape, pressing charges, friends' attitudes, etc.

In the first moments, hours and days immediately following the rape, the acute reaction may be in the form of shock, disbelief and dismay. A victim may be agitated, incoherent or in a highly volatile state. They may appear very stable and in control only to break down suddenly.
A few days after the assault, I had to move out of my dorm room. I was staying at my sisters for a day while she went to her bf's graduation. I don't remember much about before I went to her apartment, but I think I was numb.
I spent the whole day crying. I felt like my life was falling apart. I was terrified of being alone. It hurt so bad, and I had no idea why. I thought I was going crazy. And I didn't know why.

How soon and to whom a victim tells about the rape provides an early clue about their own feelings of what happened to them and their role in it. This is why talking to someone is so important -- so they can help clarify feelings, help make decisions on reporting the rape and giving options for medical and legal assistance. There is usually a marked decrease in the victim's anxiety after discussing the incident with someone.
I had no idea I had been sexually assaulted. So I doubt I resolved this stage "normally"
If a victim seeks support, this phase usually resolves within a few weeks. They must be given informative support as well as support counseling to turn their non-specific anxiety into helping them concentrate on resolving problems created by the rape (i.e., whether or not to report, whether or not to press charges, whether or not to tell family or friends).

This is why a rape crisis center plays such an important role during Phase One. A victim can be helped to consider alternative courses of action and their possible outcomes. A rape crisis center can help them notify family and accompany them to the police and the hospital emergency room for medical consultation and an exam. A victim is encouraged to consider how they will feel in a few weeks or months. Similar reactions of other survivors are discussed with them, and they are encouraged to seek counseling. Their fears, anger and depression are discussed.
woulda been nice. At least I could have known what was happening, instead of losing two years to insanity. Wouldn't have been much point to the hospital. Brian sexually assaulted me, but it wasn't rape. No physical evidence, no legal recourse.
Their feelings are validated as being a normal reaction for them.
This is what I needed more than anything. I still have doubts about my "right" to have all these reactions, I mean after all it wasn't full on rape. Someone saying "It's ok to hurt. It's ok to be traumatized" would have meant the world.

PHASE TWO - REPRESSION OR OUTWARD ADJUSTMENT STAGE
In this stage a victim goes about a lot of activity in an attempt discharge the inner tension or anxiety they may be feeling without any additional work on working through their true feelings. They return to normal activity and subdue their anger and resentment and rationalize what has happened, while gaining little insight into their own, true feelings about the rape.
While at home for Xmas immeadetly after the assault, I would stay on AOL till 4am talking to people. All men. I don't know what I was seeking. I just know being alone, doing nothing, was the most terrifying thing to me. I think this is when my fear of "never having a man" went over the top.
When I got back to school, I hardly slept, was up till all hours, not studying, but hanging out, talking on AIM, dating, making out with guys, anything to be active.

It is during this stage that there is heavy denial and suppression. They deny the rape had a personal impact on them,
I told myself it wasn't an assault. That I had failed, by not stopping Brian. And every time there after, when I couldn't enforce the barriers Brian had ripped through, I hated myself for failing yet again and they concentrates on protecting the feelings of those close to them and their concern.

It is important that they address their feelings about the rapist during this stage, but they usually subdue their feelings and go about their daily routine of life.
I didn't allow myself anger at Brian. I turned it all on myself.

PHASE THREE - POST-TRAUMATIC OR RESOLUTION STAGE
This phase begins when a victim develops an inner sense of depression and feels the need to talk about their feelings and the situation. Concerns, which have been dealt with superficially or denied successfully, reappear for more comprehensive review. The depression that sets in during this stage is psychologically normal in most cases.
I was actually on a date, another unhealthy relationship, when it just hit me. I realized I had been assaulted. I realized Brian had been wrong. I went home and wept, and tried to tell my parents. I think now that they were shocked. But then, I was hurt that they didn't seem to respond

In order to resolve feelings, a victim is encouraged to accept the rape and realize the impact it has had on their feelings and life.
This happened around 2 or 3 years later, maybe 4, After I married J. I had to go to counseling, because my life was falling apart. That's when M entered the picture, and when I got on anti-depressants. It's when life re-started for me.
The "If only I hadn't" statements emerge. They must allow their anger at the rapist to emerge instead of shying away from their feelings of anger and disgust.
I just started dealing with this issue this year. 'If I only hadn't been so naive. If I only hadn't gone that night. If I only hadn't stayed so late.'
What is so hard to realize is that I couldn't have changed who I was. It wasn't my responsibility. It was Brian's responsiblity to respect me. It was his responsibility to my needs above his. He chose not to.
It wasn't my fault. It was his

This phase may begin with a specific incident such as the case may going to trial soon, or if they realize they are unable to daily subdue fears and feelings as in Phase Two. They may find themselves thinking about the rape after seeing a person of the same race as the rapist, reading a magazine article or seeing a television show about rape or any unexplained situation.
Marriage made my hell impossible to ignore any longer.
During this phase, a victim usually re-contacts their rape crisis center counselor to help them identify their surfacing fears and feelings or help to prepare them for trial.
I've been in counseling most of my married life. I tried to quit once, with disasterous results. I'm healing, but it seems so slow.
But I will survive. I will not remain Brian's victim. I will reclaim what he took from me. My life has, and will go on.

My 5 stages of suicidal desire

2005-04-02T19:16:00.000-08:00

Yup, I have thought about suicide. It's normal for someone who has been assaulted.
Deal with it. Stop freaking out and feeling shocked. Take some deep breaths. Calmer?
Ok, I'll continue.

If you start to get depressed reading this, STOP! The power of suggestion can be strong in some people. Don't open yourself up to it. Also, know that the pain DOES end, and their IS hope.

1.Random suicidal thoughts: This one is where you are going your merry way and you have an image popping into your head of you shooting yourself, or of slicing your wrists. You know, the movie suicidal stuff. At stage 1, these are brief and you are able to just shake it off.

2. Random suicidal thoughts, accompanied by melancholy and fear of harming yourself: This is when the thoughts start to bother you. They are more frequent. Usually,a pre-requisite for this stage is being depressed already. Thus these thoughts can affect you more powerfully. You don't want to act on these thoughts, but they scare you.

Ok, there is a big jump here.

3.You are very depressed. So much so, that life stretches out before you, bleak and miserable. You wonder if it's worth it. You know it won't be. No matter what you've known before, all you know now is saddness. Suicide seems appealing because it just doesn't seem worth it to fight this depression. This stage (for me) does not last, and as such, I do not seriously consider harming myself.

4.It hurts so bad, inside, so intensly, that all you can think about is making the pain stop: There is no hope of the pain ending on it's own. It feels eternal. This is the most dangerous of the stages to me.

5. An actual attempt at suicide and/or self harm is made, most likely as a result of stage 3 and/or 4.

I have experienced all of these stages with the exception of 5. I think I have enough support, and am disciplined enough,to call for help before I attempted suicide.
Fortunately, as I have gotten on medication, and with Christian counseling, all of these stages have become far less frequent. December 04 is probably the last time any of these attacked me, other than stage 1.

2005-04-01T14:52:00.000-08:00

Romance. It is an interesting monster.
Oh believe me, it is a monster, at once huge, and tiny. It is horribly pervasive throughout our society, yet somehow it slips into our lives without us knowing it.
And I'm not saying this with a smile on my face.
Love is worth smiling about. Romance is not.
Romance tells us lies, makes us blind to reality. It tells us war is a chance for people to get together. IF it touches on death,it is distantly, only making the romance that much greater. Romance teaches us that two people who are drastically different, and start out hating each other, will suddenly stop all that and be in love, after they have had hot sex. Romance teaches us that the woman wants it, and that rape is ok.
Don't buy the broadness of my claim? Ok, lets slim it down. Everytime I type romance, put novel behind it. I think then you'll see how apt my comparisions are.

Love

2005-03-29T11:44:00.000-08:00

First off, I know I've been quiet for a while. I just haven't had much to write about. I am going to work on my love series soon. I got held up when trying to write my history pre-J. It is damn depressing! And I have not been able to bring myself to type it up here. But I feel it is important as well.
So we shall see.

What will I teach my daughter?

2005-03-19T19:39:00.000-08:00

What will I teach my daughter?
Will she learn to fear her womanhood?
Will she hate who she is?
Will her “privates” be dirty?
Will she hide them from herself?
Will she learn what I learned?

What will I teach my daughter?
Will she love herself?
Will she be free?
Will her vagina be a source of pleasure?
Will she break free of my chains?

What will I teach my daughter?
That it’s ok to touch and explore?
That she is not the sexual gatekeeper?
That the man should respect her?
That she is so much more than she knows?

What will I teach my daughter?
What will my daughter teach me?

The Tragedy of Feminism and Masculinity

2005-03-19T18:43:00.000-08:00

What on earth do I mean by that, your asking?
I've been thinking alot lately about male roles, female roles, how we interact, etc. What did it mean to be a male 50 years ago? What does it mean now? How has this changed?
What about feminism? Have we sought the right things? Or are we only reinforcing that males are superior?

I'll start with what Feminism was,back in the day. Feminism used to be about being treated like human beings of equal rank. We didn't want to be men. We just wanted to not be told we were less because we weren't men.
If I do the same job, give me the same pay.
Don't tell me I'm not supposed to enjoy sex. I am.
I'm not a slut because I enjoy sex, while a man is a stud. Cut the double standard crap.
That is how I see Feminism in what it was.

Now, Feminism is no longer about equality, but about dethroning men. We don't want equal treatment, we want to take their place. We have glorified masculinity more than men ever could, by trying to imitate it.

It is heartbreaking.
Men and Women aren't the same. We have the same worth, but it doesn't mean we are carbon copies. How bout equal pay for Equitable work? Why, rather than force ourselves into an exhausting and unhealthy male lifestyle, don't we work to help men break out of that?

And men. It used to be they were taught to respect women, at least in a way. Things needed change, but we have gone to that overprotective respect of sorts, to seeking only their own pleasure.

If a man opens a door for a women, he is chauvinist. A husband who claims to be the head of the household is seen to be horribly domineering. Don't protect a woman, that's insulting. Don't try to lead, you'll be cast as a jerk.

What are men supposed to do? What role is their for them left in this world?
There are two main consequences to this.
1)Men have no incentive to grow up.
Why should they, they will just get in trouble anyway. Stay acting like a teenage boy, that way you won't be threatening. Don't you dare challenge a woman, she knows better than you.
If you think this isn't true, watch TV. How many shows and commercials show mom in the adult role, counsleing the kids and the husband alike (Everybody loves Raymond, Tool Time, King of Queens). Watch the commercials. The woman is checking up on the man just the same as she would her kids. He responds as a child. No wonder women are so dissatisfied with marriages. They don't have a partner, they have a subordinate.
2)Men are taught to seek their own pleasure, to fullfill their needs. This creates an environment of rape
Men are taught not to grow up. They are taught not to take in others feelings, especially a womans, because it might be an insult. They are told to get as much sex as they can, that being a man is defined by the amount of ass you get.
Are we surprised that America has one of the highest rates of rape?

The blame does not rest on the shoulders of one gender. Both have contributed to and allowed this shift to happen. Both are responsible for fixing it.

Woman, our worth is not determined by comparing our actions to males. We can be different, and still be of equal value. Let men be nice. Let them be helpful. Let them be protectors. Sure, we can do it. But we are partners here.

Men, grow up. I know it's dangerous in this PC climate, but the rewards are worth it. You and your wife are partners. She isn't your mom. It may not seem as worthwhile to give up the video games and to take more responsiblity, but the rewards are worth it. Self Respect for one.

Imagine the freedom, when we can accept who we are, and quit trying to be someone else.

Why Bondage?

2005-03-15T18:26:00.000-08:00

Those of you who read (ok, probably just Val) may wonder what my interest in getting tied up is.
"Come on," your asking," I thought you were sexually assaulted! Isn't this crazy? Doesn't it make you relive the trauma?"
Actually, I think the assault is why I'm so interested. Brian took many things from me that night; my naiveness, my sense of safe vulnerability, my ability to trust. He stole those from me. And in the following years, I allowed him to continue to rob me. I didn't trust anyone, men, or especially myself. I never let myself be vulnerable. My goal was always to be safe, to be safe, but I never felt safe.

By letting J tie me up, I'm taking those things back. I trust him. I am safe with him. He is the only person I can be completely me with. So what if I fart during sex, or snort, or anything else. He's safe. I'm safe.
And the ropes as a physical manifestation of that trust. I put myself into a situation where I'm vulnerable, but safe, to prove I can still have that.
It's part of getting Brian out of my head, and out of my bed.

Fantasies

2005-03-15T18:23:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I was able to fantasize about J and me. It still felt like I was pasting our heads onto someone else's bodies, but it was a start.
I think, because of how I was raised, I have never allowed myself to fantasize about someone I knew. It was crossing a line, and just wasn't "Safe", but now that I'm married, I need to get past that. But it's not a switch. So tonight was a major step forward to me.

Funny Post Coitus Comment

2005-03-15T18:18:00.000-08:00

Said by my hubby as we were getting dressed:
"You are so spoiled. Both Sex and Soybeans tonight"

You have to understand how much I love Edame, which is soybeans roasted, steamed, or boiled. So nummy. Oh yeah, the sex was good too.

comfort

2005-03-12T18:58:00.000-08:00

A poem written on a christmas card by J.
I give you my eyes- to view my soul.
I give you my ears- to confide in
I give youmy mouth- to kiss, to soothe with a word, to compliment and congratulate.
I give you my mind- to appreciate your depth, to converse
I give you my shoulder-to cry on.
I give you my arms- to hold you.
I give you my hands-to hold onto, to trust in, to relax you.
I give you my chest-to hug, to shield you.
I give you my legs and my feet- to fly to your side each day.
But most importantly I give you my heart-to share with God.

That man has been such a support and comfort to me. I love him. I don't know where I'd be without him.

Deep Breaths

2005-03-12T18:49:00.000-08:00

Ok,inhale slowly, hold it, exhale. Repeat. Do this tillthe panickiy feeling goes away.
Or at least till it gets less.
What happened? I started looking through my old journals.
I didn't realize I had an entry so close to to the assault. I started to read it, before I threw it down. Now I just sit here staring at that stack. Waiting. Breathing. Trying to decide if I can handle it.
I don't know.
But it's there.
Waiting.

Netoworking

2005-03-12T12:39:00.000-08:00

Check out my new aggregator for survivors Survive and Thrive.
If you want a site added, they have to publish an RSS Feed, and then send the link to my addy listed with Blogger.

Let's talk about Sex baby

2005-03-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

Back when I started this blog, it was called "Damn Orgasm". I was trying to explore my lack of orgasm in a humerous way. But I wasn't honest. I mean, Hell, I never talked about the assault. That definitly has an effect on orgasming, and how I feel about sex in general. So I started talking about the assault. and I stopped talking about sex.
But that's gonna change. One of the challenges survivor's face is sex. A whole range of issues comes into play. I had to relearn how to set my boundaries. And then how to enforce them. This is something I didn't know after the assault. I would go way farther than I wanted to with guys. It felt good. At the time. But the guilt I had afterwards, the almost physical pain, was horrible. After awhile, I learned to turn off those feelings, the ones that got me turned on, so it wasn't as much of an issue. Great, except I couldn't enjoy sex. Then I got married. And I discovered my "solution" was just another problem.
So that's where I am. Trying to re-awaken my sexuality, and break down the walls I built up.
I've been doing this for about a year and 9 months, and I have made progress. I've learned some tricks. Since a major part of the assault involved my breasts, I treat those with extra care. I don't completely disrobe on my top. That helps me feel safe. I can be completely exposed, but my shirt, or bra is still technically on, and I'm ok.
I learned very quickly into my marriage that I needed to be in control in the bedroom. I asked J to not iniate sex. I said how everything went. It was what I needed to feel safe.
21 months later, I have slowly been able to share that control with J. With alot of tears and alot of cuddles, we have worked through it. Before Christmas, I told J he could start iniating.
This didn't take control from me. I always have the final say. But it makes it more "our" sex life.
Today, we were able to do a little light bondage roleplay. J was very careful to try and read me, and to not violate my boundaries, and I have reached that point of trust where I was ok. Plus, we had a safeword. It was alot of fun.
I had to make choices to not carry it too near something that would scare me. But the fantasy of being bound was a bit exciting.
So, that's my rambling dissertation on sex.

I'm here,, really

2005-03-12T11:53:00.000-08:00

Well, I know the blog has been kinda quiet. I've been doing alot of crafty sorta stuff at home, working hard at work, and coming down with a cold. Plus, I've been working on my "Love" series that I plan to put up here soon.
I'm a bit behind on the love series right now, mainly because I can't go out of order. I feel like it's important to show where I came from, the attack, and then what happened after that.
But it's tough. I started writing out my childhood, things that affected my view of love, and I got depressed as hell. It doesn't help that I'm sick. My emotions always go topsy turvy when I'm sick. Add to that bad news about J's vacation, and well, I'm just not up to writing any more right now.
But you know, that's ok. I'm gonna have to face this in small chunks. I'm sure there are still things I haven't processed yet, and writing about them will force the issue.
So, be patient. When I'm ready, I'll type up the first in my series, to be titled
"Love After Trauma (without the drama).
Ok I may not keepy the drama part, but it is just a cool rhyme

Court rules on "Rape as Punishment" issue

2005-03-11T09:32:00.000-08:00

Go here for the full story.Fox News

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan — Pakistan's highest Islamic court on Friday threw out the acquittal of five men convicted of raping a woman on orders from a village council, saying a lower appeals court had no jurisdiction to rule on the case.

It's a step forward, but where will they go next?

On love

2005-03-09T10:39:00.000-08:00

A post over at Beach of Yellow, made me start thinking about love. Specifically, what love is, what it means to me, and how I have discovered love as a survivor.
So I'm going to try to post a bit on this, though they may at first be a bit random. But I think it needs to be explored. I've found love, though I am still learning daily what love is. So there is hope.

My biggest fear

2005-03-06T15:13:00.000-08:00

My biggest fear is that it will happen again. That I will feel so helpless again. That nothing I do can prevent it.
This fear plagues me as I go to the store at night. I swivel my head, trying to see everything at once. I stand up straight, I look mad. I do anything I can to not look like a victim. But inside, I'm terrified.
And this fear, I don't know how to conquer. It's why I'm afraid to go for walks alone, to leave the house at night, to be in the house without my husband.
Every man is an enemy. Every stranger is a threat.
And inside, I huddle in terror, waiting for the moment I know must surely come: When control is once again wrenched from my grasp, and I descend into hell again.
This fear hold me captive, and I don't yet know how to break free.

A victim for a moment, A survivor forever

2005-03-06T15:04:00.000-08:00

Part of "taking back" my life, is realizing that I choose how long I am a victim. Now don't get me wrong, we each have to get to a certain point before we can do this, but once you have reached that point, you have to make a decision: How long will I let one asshole's actions affect me?
I've told my counselor, sometimes I feel like I'm trapped at a certain time,a time when things hurt so bad. He says it's like a part of you stops growing then, instead reliving that pain over and over. To get past it, you have to get that part back with you.
I don't have a specific formula for how to do this. Some of it is education. Learning that you can be ok, you can be normal.
Some of it is self-talking. When you start to feel yourself pulled back to that spot, telling yourself that your not going there, that it is over.
And some of it, is finding a way to regain control. Control over your emotions, control over your life, control over anything.
For me, I have regained control with this blog. I don't feel helpless anymore. I don't feel like a victim.
I still have those times, where I'm pulled back, but I don't live there anymore. That's the difference. That's why I'm not longer a victim. Brian has lost his hold on me. I'm not going to let him continue to violate me.

2005-03-06T14:53:00.000-08:00

You know,its so ironic. When I was in college, every year after the assault, I would see examples of hte clothesline project, and for all that time, I never considered myself one of those women. Looking back, it seems so surreal now. I wondered what the big deal was. I didn't get how t-shirts could help.
Today, I understand the empowerment those projects can give former victims. Because that's what hurts the worst, what tortures us: The feeling of helplessness.
With this blog, I have declared I'm not helpless. I can speak out. I can help others, some who have been assaulted, and those who haven't. Perhaps my experiences can help them protect themselves.
I'm not a victim any more. I hope I can help others realize that they are not either.

Taking Back

2005-03-03T09:01:00.000-08:00

One of the blogs I visit, Beach of Yellow, had poem as her most recent post. I won't go into the details here. Her site is sad, but it is what we all have to go through as survivors.
We have to face the past
We have to let our wounds bleed.
We have to heal.
We have to take back what was stolen.

For me, I lost my innocence, my naivety. I lost the ability to see sex as a beautiful thing. To me, sex became nothing more than intoxication. It felt good, but the payback was hell.
How many men did I make out with, get topless with, only to be consumed by regret?
How much guilt have I carried for so long, thinking I was weak because I couldn't live up to my ideals?
J and I were over a year into our marriage when I finallly learned what intimacy meant. Until then, sex was very disassociated for me. I never wanted to cuddle. I kept J at arms reach from my heart.

It's been 7 years since the attack. I've known what happened for 5 years. I've known J for 4.5 years. We have been married for 21 months. I've been in counsleing for 18 months. I have been able to feel intimate with J for 6 months. I have decided to Thrive 3 weeks ago.
Today, I take back what Brian stole.
Today, I take back my life

Tips for fighting depression

2005-02-27T16:20:00.000-08:00

-Tell your friends what tends to push you into an emotional crater.
Use your friends. They can often tell when your crashing before you can.

Eat more fish. Omega's 3 are shown to help with depression (no I don't remember where I read it. A magazine like Time or People), and people who live in areas where they eat alot of fish aren't as likely to be depressed.

Exercise. Force yourself. Even if it just walking to get the mail. Do it. Nothing makes you more depressed than having a body you don't like.

Shave your legs. Put on make up. Look pretty. You will feel prettier.

Don't watch depressing shows on TV. Watch funny stuff.

If I come up with more I'll let you know.

Mirror Mirror

2005-02-26T15:40:00.000-08:00

Body image. Every woman struggles with it. I see those perfect looking ladies on TV, and I wonder, why is it so hard to look like that?
Well, I no longer want to look like a model. I'm finding my own style.
But, I do want to shape what I have. So I am going to post some photos here, of my body as it is now. In a month, I'll post again. Perhaps the visual will help me see a difference. And perhaps these photos will help you see what an average woman looks like.

My husband says this body is beautiful. In clothes,I can sometimes believe it. But without them, I see all my flaws. Cellulite,poochy tummy, to small of boobs. But I do not think other people are as critical. But, perhaps with work, I can learn to appreciate my body.

Rape and Rough Fun-The difference

2005-02-25T16:50:00.000-08:00

I was browsing through the archives of Mistress Matisse's Blog when I came upon a very poignant entry. Perhaps I am just inept computer wise, but I can't link you directly to the article, so go to this page and scroll down till you reach the May 12th Entry. Don't worry, there aren't a bunch of offensive images (well porn offensive. The photo of prisoner abuse is rather offensive), one of things I like about her journal. I don't have to stare at tits and pussy when I visit.
But back to the point of this post.
I have been disturbed ever since SA Day (when I was assaulted) about how our society romanticizes rape. You will see it in books, movies,other blogs. Take this sample from a blog I typically really like:

"He was stronger than she was, though, a great deal stronger. It needed very little force on his part to hold her still and very little force to enter her. He thrust once, and then, just when that dark blind part of her mind had resolved that she would lie motionless, that she would defeat him with cold passivity, he gently turned her face to his, and looked down into her eyes."

Then look at this:
"Yet she knew that the cities of the future were already waiting, just on the edge of imagination."

For the full story, go here

It hurts. Every time I read it. The idea that rape is something a woman wants, that the man just has to force us to set us free. The other side will say we deserve it, we asked for it, at least in some small way.

Both are a load of shit.

That is why I am thankfull to Mistress Matise. She put into words what I have been struggleing with.

"I don't eroticise non-consensual violence. It's a damn shame some so-called "normal" people do."

BDSM, Kink, and Polyamory

2005-02-21T14:55:00.000-08:00

What a title you might be thinking. Especially considering the main topic of my blog. Well dear reader, await, I have a few surprises in store for you.
But first, the history....
I stumbled upon Go Big or Go Home while randomly clicking the next blog. I'll be honest, what caught my attention was the picture. School girl outfit with cuffs, that is interesting. So I read, and was introduced to a world I knew very little about. Bondage, Dominance, and Sado-Mashicism. And let us not forget Polyamory.
If you want definitions of those terms, go to this site and click on the vocab link on the right.
I must admit I am fascinated by these blogs. And in many ways I don't understand why. Or not fully.
But I Digress.
If you are an adult, and have a strong stomach, go to this site and scroll down to the article about Bondage at the bottom. Ok, the one titled "Worried about bondage?"
I'll let you read the article for yourself, but the basic premise is Clayton Creamer worries that BDSM is simulated rape.
I feel it necessary to weigh in on this topic.
From what I have read over the past several weeks on BDSM, there is a high element of control by both partners. Before anything happens, you negotiate a scene. There are safewords. Both partners have control, even if they have the illusion of one being out of control.

What rape victom has any control?

Do they play at rape? Sure. Hell, I used to find the strong man pressuring a woman fantasies very interesting. But there was no danger to me in those fantasies. I controlled them. Only after I was assaulted did I learn the difference.

People are raped in the BDSM scene, as in anywhere else. But the very acts themselves are not violations so long as both partners have consented.
To be honest, I'd feel safer with many of these so called perverts than alot of "normal men" . The boundaries may be different, but they exist and are acknowledged.

bout damn time

2005-02-20T15:41:00.000-08:00

I felt "empowered" today. Or at least that is the best I can come up with for the feeling. It was an optimism about sex and sex play that I normally don't have. The feeling that "yeah,I"ll get there." The doubts, the depression, all that shit was still there, but not to the same degree. And this feeling, this jazzed ness, was stronger.
So J and I had some fun. I have found that the times I have come closest to orgasm has been after grinding with clothes on, at least one of us in jeans. M, my shrink, says it takes at least 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation for most woman to O, so I timed it. Well, I looked at my watch when we started grinding. After a while, I got frustrated, thinking "It's been at least 20 minutes and I don't feel anything!" but I looked at my watch again and who woulda guessed it, it was closer to 10. I had J grab my vibe, as with him on top, I couldn't get the clit stimulation localized enough. When I'm on top, it's not an issue,but he's a big guy, and he does not have an inherent knowledge of where my clit lies, so we had a little help.
Damn! Put the vibe in, 10 minutes later I feel that feeling. That one where your whole body feels lighter than air. It came andwent and came and went again. I'm a little bummed, but I keep on, just for the hell of it. 10 minutes or so later, it comes again, and Imove a step further. I feel so stimulated it almost hurts. But I try to roll with it, I try not to be scared and pull back. Well shit, you know I do, but there was FORWARD progress! I CTC'd (Close to Cum) 3 times! For me that's huge.
Not to mention when J finally entered me, he made me ache even more (in a good way).
It was tough in some ways. A few times I thought of the assault. But when that happened, I just told Brian to get the f out of my head. Then I'd repeat "I'm in control, I'm in control," to myself a bunch. By that point I usually was distracted by J again.
And I was in control. J started to take off my shorts, and I told him no. He started to push my bra up, and I told him no. He pulled my bra cups down, and I told him only one cup at a time. Thing is, before each of these, I had that sinking feeling of "I don't really want this"...but this time, I did something about it. I'm taking control.

No longer a victim

2005-02-17T20:07:00.000-08:00

M and I talked about getting Brian out of my head. He said that I'm constantly reliving what happened. And I am. The jerk hurt me. He violated me. But that was then. I wouldn't do the same things now. I would make different choices. I'd tell him to go fuck himself. I'm not still a victom.
Part of this, M wants me to imagine doing something different. Anything, that would have stopped what happen. It's not letting myself be passive anymore.
So here goes. I'm not happy with what I wrote, but it's a start.

I don’t know the exact situation. I get the feeling I’ve just been hired for some prestigious job (hell, it’s my fantasy, why not). My boss is bringing me in to meet my partner. It’s Brian. But I have to be sure. I ask if he was at %%%% College in 199#? Was he in #### organization? He smiles, so sure of himself. “Yes I was”. My face hardens as I step back.
“I will treat you with the courtesy necessary to strangers. But I will not work with you.”
His jaw drops. My boss’s jaw drops. Explanations are necessary. But I know I can’t give them.
“What...” he starts to say, “I don’t even know you!”
“You don’t remember. I’m not surprised. You were drunk. You were only interested in one thing. I was too vulnerable to stop you. But not anymore. I don’t want you near me! I don’t ever want to see your disgusting face again! You assaulted me! You violated me! You hurt me! But that’s OVER!
Touch me now, and I’ll hurt you. Breath to close and I’ll sue your ass. Threaten me, and I’ll shoot you.
You violated me once. But you never will again. Stay away from me. This time, I will fight back.”
I turn and walk away, from him, from the job. But I was not a victim this time.

Unexpressed anger

2005-02-09T18:58:00.000-08:00

M thinks that is a huge cause of my depression. And I do get angry. Sometimes, I want to mutilate Brian. I want to make him hurt. I want him to suffer. I want him to go thru hell.
When I see pricks who say "you bitches deserve it" I support shooting them int he foot and letting them bleed to death. Or burning an R ontheir forehead. Let them be known as far and wide as a rapist.
But anger,at least that type of anger, is futile. And worthwhile anger, anger at the society that promotes this abusive environment...well that just leads me to hopelessness. Why be angry when nothing is going to change?
But will it not change?

It's all about him

2005-02-09T18:50:00.000-08:00

The sexual assault that happened to me wasn't just about power. It was about Brian getting what he wanted. He didn't care about my needs. All he cared about was getting some. If I got hurt in the process, well who gives a shit. His dick was dry after all.
It's hard for me to understand that mind set. How can we raise people who are so callous to others? How can someone be that selfish.
But look around. We are raising a society where others are just lawsuit fodder. Books about "how to get a woman to sleep with you" are best sellers.
Women are nothing but sex objects to most men.
That is the worse violation of all.

Sisterhood of Survival

2005-02-08T16:44:00.000-08:00

I broke down in tears when I stumbled upon this site.
Sisterhood of Survival.
For the first time in a long time, I believe I might be ok one day. Even happy.
Someday

No more L&O

2005-02-07T19:30:00.000-08:00

Last week, I had some major crators emotionally. I talked with Mike, and we think some of it may have been related to watching to many dramas. I had to cut out Law & Order SVU a few months ago. And now it looks like Law and Order may have to go as well.
Facing the issues these shows raise, even though they are fiction, can really bring me down. Especially when they deal with topics of sexual abuse or rape.
If nothing else it makes me think of the violation. I wonder how the characters feel. I wonder how much therapy they will need. How will they recover?
I weep for them.
And they aren't even real.

Why

2005-02-02T19:23:00.000-08:00

My mood has been dropping for about an hour now. Maybe longer, but that's when I first noticed. Actually, that's when I noticed I was doing well. I felt happy. Actually happy.
Now, I feel like the world is ending. Why? Why do I have these highs and lows? Why does it hurt so bad for no reason?
The docs can't find anything physical. So what is it?

Purge

2005-02-01T19:46:00.000-08:00

Amazing, how saying what I really feel is cleansing.
Suicide, hate, depression. It's reality. And I'm not hiding it. At least not here.
Here I don't have to keep the mask on. I don't have to respond with pleasentries as I die inside.
This is raw. This is real.

Fuck you

2005-02-01T19:40:00.000-08:00

This is who I am
I'm broken
I'm depressed
I think about suicide

Get used to it.

You think you can change me?
You think you can fix me?
What do you know?

You haven't walked in my shoes,
You are just a damned hypocrite.
You want to make me your project,
So you can feel good about your life.

I have news for you

Life sucks

So take your shit,
Your self rightous shit,
And leave me to my pain.

I'm not ashamed
But I am angry
Because you judge my pain.

Light behind a gate

2005-02-01T18:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I will be walking, and each step becomes more difficult. Heavier, heavier, till it's all I can do to shuffle forward. It hurts. It hurts so bad. As I was walking down the street, sitting down in a puddles seemed less horrible than walking with J back to my apartment. I tried, tried to keep up the face to J. But what does it matter? What does anything matter?
Suicide? The thought has lost it's horror. Oh I know it is a mistake. I know it. But sometimes, it is so hard to care. It's so hard to do what is reasonable. It's so hard to stop hurting. And I just want to stop hurting. I just want the pain to stop. I just want it to stop.
What good is the light at the end of the tunnel, if you can never reach it?

Cycles (somewhat explicit)

2005-01-30T20:43:00.000-08:00

Alot of times we will hear about breaking "The cycle of violence" , or stopping some other cycle. I have come to realize that the same is true of my depression. When I have to deal with the assault, dealing with the intense emotions of it, I get into a cycle of hopelessness about sex. I will have such a strong aversion to sex, that I can go a really long time without intimacy.
When that happens, I have to make the conscious choice to have sex, to break that cycle. I had to do that tonight. And I had to go slow. We snuggled for a long time before I kissed J. Eventually I asked him to tell me a story, because that helps me relax. Fantasy is safe. All this with clothes on. As J talked I started to rub myself against his leg. After 20 minutes or so, I could feel myself start to orgasm. That happened twice. All while we were fully clothed.
When we took my shirt off, I lost the relaxation. Not surprising considering Brian groped my breasts during the assault.
So we put it back on. Though I didn't approach climax again,I had fun. I made it past the fear of sex. I broke that cycle.

Idle Hands

2005-01-27T13:05:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling rather out of it at the moment. I have a headache, and not really anything to do. On days like this, if I don't have a project, I go nuts. But I've read a ton, searched out new blogs, and yet I am so bored. I look with dreadful anticipation of counsleing today.
Last time, it took me 2 days to proess through everything M had said. And I was depressed the whole time. I don't look forward to that again.

A Victory

2005-01-26T13:47:00.000-08:00

J picked up one of my sex books yesterday. At first I was weirded out by the fact he was reading it. But after a bit, I thought it was cool. Eventually, I stopped what I was doing and went and joined him. He was reading how I had answered the intial survey thingies. So after a bit, I started reading again. I hadn't picked the book up in almost a week. I took another survey that asked how much I enjoyed certain activities, and how often I did them. After I did it, I read the questions to J. I was amazed at alot of the differences. He likes frenching, I don't. That I knew. But I thought we hardly ever did it, he thought we did it frequently. I think it let him know things I really like, and it helped to think about it. (One thing about this book, you can't just read it all the way through. And for me, wanting to follow a predetermined path through it, I'm going crazy. A chapter will say "if you have issues with self esteem go to page 290" I get to page 290, read a paragraph and hten will be told to go to page 105. From 105 to 330, etc. It's a loop. I finally just had to pick a spot and start. (I know, anal retentive, but still.) Finally, I was reading a chapter on self esteem. One of the recommendations htey made was to make a list of pros and cons about yourself. So I did. As expected, the list of cons was longer than the list of pros. But here's the victory. I ran out of cons. Just that. I only came up with 9 or so. And I had at least 5 pros. I felt better, seeing that. I'm not sure why.

Guilt & Control

2005-01-25T21:21:00.000-08:00

M and I talked about my shame and guilt being a way to
feel in control of what happened. That it is even
more frightening for me to be out of control than to
be assaulted.
Tonight, I had a similar experience, with the control
and fear and guilt.
I started to feel bad about not having sex. I started
to feel guilty that I had so little interest in it
lately. No matter how many rational thoughts I told
myself, the guilt got worse. Till I thought about
this
"I'm doing it to feel control of the situation"
Think about it. How much safer is it to be sexually
unresponsive by choice? It's my way of saying, I'm
not intrinsically faulty, I just have behavioral
issues. The guilt protects me. It saves my ego. It
makes me feel safe.
But it is an illusion. I don't have control over my
sexual desires. I don't have control over what
happened 7 years ago. I have control over nothing.
Control is just an illusion. Guilt, the sick glue I
use to tie it to myself.

Perspective

2005-01-24T19:12:00.000-08:00

Perhaps it is how I was raised. Perhaps it is in my nature. Maybe it's my education. Whatever the case, I feel alot of empathy for others. And not just the good guys. After 9/11, I wondered what influences had so warped those hijackers, to make them commit murder. I can recognize that they made their own choices, but I can still pity them. This became especially true when I worked for CPS.
I saw kids, in the different stages of abuse. Some who were newly abused. Some who had been removed many times. Some who had been in the system for years. As I interacted with these kiddos, it became apparent why their parents had been they way they were. We do what we are taught. And for so many, we don't get there in time.
This perspective is harde to deal with in regards to Brian. He made choices. He was responsible for those choices. But he's not evil. No more than the rest of us.
It's easier when there is a black and white. In Lord of the Rings, you have a clear good and a clear bad. Sure some of the good guys flirt with the bad, but they come to their senses (think Boromir). Or they cross the line completely (think Saruman).
Here, we have nothingbut gray. A person's soul may look as black as night...but you can follow the thread back to the white side.
After a point, you have to turn away, quit looking at the tragedy that is their life. A line is crossed in which they have to take responsibility for what they do. It's sad, because you wonder if they have any alternative.

2005-01-24T19:09:00.000-08:00

(This song was shared with me by an online freind. It shows where I am coming from.)

Artist: Big & Rich
Album:
Song: Holy Water

Lyrics :

Somewhere there's a stolen halo
I use to watch her wear it well
Everything would shine wherever she would go
But looking at her now you'd never tell

Someone ran away with her innocence
A memory she can't get out of her head
I can only imagine what she's feeling
When she's praying
Kneeling at the edge of her bed

And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me like holy water
Holy water

She wants someone to call her angel
Someone to put the light back in her eyes
She's looking through the faces
The unfamiliar places
She needs someone to hear her when she crys

And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me like holy water
Holy water

She just needs a little help
To wash away the pain she's felt
She wants to feel the healing hands
Of someone who understands

And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me
And she says take me away
And take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me like holy water
Holy water

Thursday

2005-01-20T19:31:00.000-08:00

Thursdays I go to counsleing. So, on Thursdays, expect different shit. To be honest, I am not happy about going back to counsleing. I want to be done. I want to be fixed. M, my counselor is a good guy. But damnit, I wish I didn't have to see him.
M talked with me about my blog. Talked about how I seem to be taking the assault more seriously. I honestly don't know what to think about that. I know I worried about claiming to have something happen that hadn't. I have always struggled with what people think, how htey will see me. One of my issues. So maybe I have minimized this, feeling unworthy. Unworthy of what, you may ask? Sympathy,greif, trauma. How do I stop "minimizing"? Hell if I know.
We also talked about guilt and shame. And anger. M said the anger I hold against myself gives me the illusion of control. Like I could have controlled what happened, but chose poorly, or just didn't. I'm angry that I was so naive, and vulnerable. Because, fuck it, I "should" have known better! That's what my gut says. That's what I beat myself up with. But I had no way to know. I went with Brian because I wanted to have some fun. Maybe, maybe get kissed. No one had told me that getting on a guys bed could be suggestive. Hell, it's a dorm room! It's the only place to sit. No one told me guys got turned on by getting a back scratch. It's like sending a toddler into a room feeled with chemicals and telling him to play.
So why do I hate myself?
How else could I have learned. Maybe dating a respectful man. Someone who wasn't a peice of shit drunk. Perhaps I could have learned that way.
But I hadn't. So I didn't.
God it hurts.

Different Names, Different Directions

2005-01-18T19:59:00.000-08:00

The blog is going to be changed. What I started this for, what I named it for, no longer exist within me. I was trying to be light hearted about my search for orgasm, while being helpful. I was hiding from my real issues. And now that I've crossed that line, to facing my demons, and those forced upon me, I can't go back. I can't pretend to be normal. I can't make believe this is all about O. It goes so much deeper.
So don't be surprised when it happens. I don't know the new name yet. But soon, hopefully, I will.

Betwixt and Between

2005-01-18T19:48:00.000-08:00

M, my therapist, says that the only difference between what happened to me, and what happens to a rape victom,is physical penetration. I want to believe him. Most the time I do. but often, I don't feel like I have the right to be hurt. Like I'm some self serving whiny child who is playing this up for attention. But if it's true, how do I stop playing it up? I know deep inside that I am reacting to a violation. But couple my shame over what happened with my feelings of isolation and being "different", and you get a very sick spiral of pain, guilt, and self loathing.
The victom's advocate who works with my husband said that what happened to me definitely qualified. But then I go to sites like TAASA, and they don't mention anything other than rape. It is very unsettling.
But I did learn some interesting facts from TAASA. The chances of developing PTSD after rape are 50 to 95%. 82% of victoms say that the rape permanently changed them.
13% attempt suicide. 30% contemplate suicide.
I fit the bill on all except the attempting suicide.
Right now, I feel so alone. Not wholly a victom, but not untouched. Does anyone care about women like me?

Walls

2005-01-18T19:24:00.000-08:00

I am trying to force myself to read the books bought not so long ago, but it is difficult. I started up in Sexual Happiness for Women,pg 50 or so. As I read, I realized that I had put my defensive walls up. I was trying to block out something. I guess that something is despair. Hopelessness. I didn't even manage to finish the page before I was overwhelmed. I wanted to sleep. To escape. But I promised J I would try to stay up till he got home. And sleeping will just dull the pain. It will still be there, lurking in the shadows, waiting for the right trigger.
So what now? Keep reading? Hide? Think about a victom's support group again? Or just sit here in front of my laptop, head in my hands, immobolized?

Ying Yang

2005-01-18T18:55:00.000-08:00

Strange,in my lazy blog searching, I have found one other site that talks about sexual assault, The Beach of Yellow, and several BDSM sites. As I write, I'm struck by how this now seems to reflect me. On the one hand, you have the side that is wounded, seeing sex as trauma. Thatpart of me struggles to over come. But on the other side, there is the part that gets turned on reading Nora Robert's novels and, oddly enough,visiting sites like this. Now, I have no interest in serious BDSM, but for some reason, it is erotic. I am terrified of losing control, but fascinated by it at the same time. But hey, I started masturbating again for the first time in, oh a month. So perhaps the dual nature is ok.

20/20

2005-01-16T08:39:00.000-08:00

As I look back on what I wrote, I remember how much I felt I was lying. By not talking about the sexual assault. Though that is not the only problem I have with orgasm, it is a major one. But I never discussed it. Mostly out of fear. Now I wonder, "How many other victoms, came here, and found nothing to help them? How many still felt so alone?"
That is a huge reason for why I chose to tell you. To publish this most vulnerable part of my life. Because it isn't just me. Some studies say 1 out of 4 women have been sexually assaulted. 1 out of 4.
Those studies define sexual assault as anything from being groped to full on rape. I know for many years, I only considered forced intercourse as assault. I felt guilty for hurting so badly over something so "trivial". Heck, I still have to fight the feeling that I should be over this by now. It wasn't big enough to warrant this kind of emotional effect. But it was.
So where will this blog go from here? I don't really know. I know I didn't post over the holidays because I thought I had to many other things to deal with. In reality, the thought of sex brought up too many painful memories.
But this won't be a board soley about sexual assault. I, and other victoms, will recover. Our assaulters, will not ruin our lives. I will not let Brian have that big an impact on me.
But I can no longer ignore the effects of that assault. So, perhaps something in between. I hope you still find humor. And hope.
But I can make no promises.

Reality

2005-01-13T18:23:00.000-08:00

There is something I have been wanting to share on this board for a long time. The reasons I haven't, well there are quite a few. Safety, fear of letting the WWW see so much of myself.
But, at the advice of my counselor, it's time for me to be honest, and tell you who read this, what has happened to me.

7 years ago, I was sexually assaulted.

You probably have images in your head, images of a woman grabbed out of the street, of the word rape. It wasn't that way for me. It wasn't a dark stranger. There was no forced intercourse. Sexual assault doesn't begin when the dick is forced into an orifice. That is just the most extreme level.

I hadn't dated much before this. I made unwise choices. But he had no right to violate my boundaries. I told him I was scared. I told him I didn't want to continue. A true man would have stopped. A true man would have cared. He is not a true man.

When I would pull away, he would wait a minute, then tickle me. As soon as I was laughing, that meant it was ok for him to touch my breast again. It was ok for him to do what I didn't want him to do, at least in his mind.

I thank God every day that I wasn't alone. I thank him for that voice inside me that said "GET OUT NOW". I credit that as the only reason full rape did not happen.

But damage was done. For two years, I was a shell of who I had been. I hardly slept. My grades fell. I had frantic energy. I had to always be with someone, or else I panicked. I dated man after man, letting them violate my boundaries over and over. Hating myself afterwards. I had lost he ability to tell them to stop, when Brian ignored my protests.

Yeah, I remember his name. Most of the time, I avoid thinking about him. I hate him. I pity him. I want to see him suffer. I fear for the women he will hurt. I weep when I think of him.

He is a jackass. He is the lowest piece of shit there is. He is boy who was never taught to respect women. He is a man trapped by his own lust. He is a tragedy. He is a lost child. He is all these things.

After 2 years, I realized what Brian had done. I realized that it wasn't my fault. I started to heal. But 7 years after the fact, the wound still bleeds. I still hate the fucker. I still wish I had never met him.

How many of my sexual problems are caused by this man? Where would I be, had the asshole never been born? Would I still fight depression? Would I still think of suicide? Would I be afraid of my own husband?

I don't know. I never will. This is my reality now. This is the world I have to live with. I don't know how, but I will learn to be happy. I will learn to enjoy sex. This man, who by his choices will probably destroy his own life, will not destroy mine.

A while

2005-01-10T17:39:00.000-08:00

A while since I've written. A while since I have even thought about sex or orgasm.
It's amazing how other issues in your life can push some things to the background.
Also, my dearest husband has started the evening shift, and I work the day shift, so we see each other briefly before work, after work, and on the weekends. Talk about limiting your time.
So, I hope to have more for you soon, now that life seems to be setteling down again.

A whole new mother daughter trip

2004-12-31T13:49:00.000-08:00

The other day, I actually got my mom to agree to go to a vibrator store! Can you believe this? My mom is the one who anytime I bring up vibes kinda looks uncomfortable and reminds me of the country song "Man with a slow hand". Now, I know she won't buy anything, but I wish I could videotape her going. You, dear readers, will of course get a play by play, as soon as I get a trip arranged. This should be hilarious.

Tips for the Virgin Bride (Part 2)

2004-12-26T21:52:00.000-08:00

Let's see where did I leave off. Now I'm going to get very practical. These are things that I have learned over a year and half of sex. Once again dear readers, feel free to add any tips.
Tip #6
Don't plan on trying any fancy positions you found in the pocket kamasutra. Getting the penis in the correct hole is tough enough. I started with women on top,straddling my beloved. This way, I could slowly lower myself onto his penis, controlling depth and speed. Starts to hurt? Pull up a bit. You are in control in thisone, and heck for your first time that's what you need.
Tip#7
Lube. I cannot stress how important this is. Your vagina will be very very tight, and you are not likely to produce alot of lubrication if your nervous. Putting on the extra lube is sure to make your first time far more comfortable.
Tip#8
Pick your lube out ahead of time. I prefer Wet Lube personally, but get couple of bottles and decide which you like ahead of time. Some are thick and jelly like, others more watery. Which you want, is personal preference.
Tip#8
Fill the sink with hot water and set the lube in it for a few minutes. This will warm it,making it less of a shock when you apply it.
Tip#9
Keep a towel and some tissue by the bed. You'll need it. If your on top, his cum will fall onto him. Otherwise, it could get on the bed and just make a mess.
Tip#10
Pee before and after. This will help prevent bladder infections.
Bonus Tip
Never Ever use Glow in the Dark Condoms. That powder can get in his urethra and cause the worst bladder infection. This was a $1500 emergency room lesson for my hubby and me.

More to come, I promise, including tips for the groom.

Holidays

2004-12-26T21:44:00.000-08:00

Well, to be quite honest,I have not done much sex or masturbation wise of late. The holidays are tough for me, for alot of reasons. So, I've been a little distracted. Dear hubby did get his christmas gift though, which was me in a teddy. I should have given it to him in the morning, when I was actually horny, but no I wanted to shower and shave, etc. So, the sex was good for him, lackluster for me. I had a horrible time concentrating in fact. But such is life. I guess I'll know better for next time.
Got a question for any men out there who happen upon this board. Can you masturbate without lust? Or do you have to have a picture of a women in your head? I'll explain when I have a few responses.
Sorry for the lack of updates. Hopefully I'll have time to do more soon, once the emotional train wreck is cleaned up.

No way out

2004-12-24T09:36:00.000-08:00

Oneof the things I have been doing about this blog, is sitting around imagining what people would say against my arguments, specifically religions. One of the things I was taught as a child, and have heard throughout my life, is that masturbation is wrong because it causes you to lust. And most of you with a religous background are familiar with the Bible verse that talks about lusting after a women being as bad as committing adultery with her. So, the way I understand it, if you have lustful thoughts, your sinning. If you masturbate, there is typically some lust going on there. So, I think that's the reason that most religions find masturbation wrong. But let's look at the other side of it. My husband, before we were married, often had lustful thoughts about me. So technically he was already sinning. Well, before we went on a date, he could masturbate. The benefits would be he would be less likely to try to push me to be more physical than I was ready for, or if I was willing, we'd be less likely to have sex. But in masturbating, he was still sinning. So what should he do? No matter which way you turn, your sinning. My opinion, go with the masturbation. That route causes less harm. My Christian beliefs are that we are forgiven oncewe are saved, so perhaps we just have to accept the fact that "sin" happens.
I do admit I'm not a bible scholar, so if you have any knowledge, or opinions on this topic, please let me know. I'd love to see a way out of this catch 22.

Wedding Night Virgin-Tips for Her(Part1)

2004-12-22T19:33:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine is getting married, and considering I also was a Virg on my wedding night, I think I'm going to write up a few tips for her. Don't know what she'll think of them, but perhaps they will help her. So if you have any tips, for her, or for her fiance, add em in.
Tip #1
Plan on not having sex the night your married. Your tired, emotionally spent, and the pressure is so much, it's better to just crash. Get in some good snuggle time. Talk about how little you remember from the wedding. Save the consummation till your more rested and there isn't the big "Wedding Night Sex" thing over your head.
Tip#2
Have soft lighting. Don't go full on bright, as that is not romantic and it exposes every flaw we have, but doing it the first time in the dark is rather tricky. Plus, your man wants to see you! Let him. Just in more favoring candlelight.
Tip#3
Start with caress's, or a massages. Slowly explore each other. Take this time to define what is a soft, medium, and hard touch to you. Demonstrate. Play with his hair, kiss his fingers. Dance. Enjoy the pure intimacy of it all. You can be so close with all your clothes on.
Tip#4
Undress each other, one at a time. Let him look at you. Let him explore you, but tell him if your uncomfortable. It's normal to be shy. When you undress him, take note of his features. What scars does he have? How hairy is his back? I know these seem weird, but you will come to love these little quirks of your man.
Tip#5
When you see his penis, look at it. Perhaps it looks strange, perhaps it just looks weird. I personally think all penis' look wierd, but that's just me. Is he circumcised? How dark is the skin? Does it change colors as you go from one area to another? The point is, don't afraid to be curious. Ask him about it if you want. (But even if it looks weird, don't giggle or laugh. Guys are sensitive about this.)

Mommy, why does being christian equal bad sex?

2004-12-22T19:08:00.000-08:00

This is something I wish we had an answer to. Most of the sexually repressive ideas I see come from within the church. As American Christians, we seem terrified of immorallity, well at least sexual immorrallity. On the informal ranking of sins, sex is pretty high up there. Not that there should be a ranking of sins, and to God, all sin is just as bad, but that's another post.
So some churches ignore sex. Others teach it as only in marriage. In the middle ages, the Catholic church had rules for sex, such as never be completely naked, don't do it for fun, only for procreation, etc. But even those who teach sex as a beautiful thing between man and wife deny that by how they treat it. Sex isn't talked about in nice company. The area between your legs is your privates, and not private as in your secret toy stash, but private as in no one wants to see that nasty thing. The worst thing a girl can do is let a boy touch her breasts, because you know where that leads! Wait, where it leads? That's has the same conotation as saying "Well don't smoke pot because next you'll be dead with a knife in your back behind a trash can!" Why do we treat sex like that? God treated sex as a beautiful thing! Look at the Song of Solomon. What a beautiful and erotic book. Why can't we treat sex like getting your driver's license. You have to be old enough, and mature enough, but it's a good thing to be excited about. Teach girl's to masturbate, so they don't have to wait for a guy to "give" them an orgasm.
Can you tell I'm frustrated on with this religous norm?

God and Sex

2004-12-20T19:37:00.000-08:00

No, this isn't a post about God having sex, but more a discussion (with my own voices of course), of how my Christian beliefs affect my sexuality. Now, to start with, I need to give you some background. I have been a Christian for many many years. I accepted the Lord when I was young, and grew up in the faith. During my college years, I questioned my beliefs, and basically said no thanks to God. Over the last year or so, I have begun to re-evaluate my faith.
Now, I realize most of what I rejected was religion, not God. And I have come more and more upon beliefs I didn't know I had, that just don't seem right...take works for examples. In my churches, people always talked about "trying to get closer to God". Well, if God is a God of grace,why would we have to "try"? Wouldn't God change us?
Anyway, as I have been going on in my search for sexuality, I have dismissed any Christian alternatives. Why?
As I was sitting in church, I started really thinking on this. And the answer for me lies in my upbringing. So many Christian solutions focus only on the spiritual, and not at all on the practical. How many books have I read that talk about having at least a 1 hour quiet time every morning? I have the impression that the only way to reach orgasm according to these books is to become the perfect Christian.
But in my opinion, that isn't the case. If it were, no one would orgasm ever! Because we aren't perfect, and we never will be. Once again it's us humans confusing things again and thinking that we have to work at being a Christian, when it's really just a gift.
But that being said,I don't want to exclude my faith from this. I just don't know how it fits. How does the mundane subject of sex fit with the spiritual? That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Progress

2004-12-18T17:27:00.000-08:00

I didn't have anywhere to be today, so I took the time to do a little exploration. I discovered that if I put a finger on either side of my clitoral hood, it creates quite the sensation.
When my hubby got home, I started grinding, first on his leg, then on his dick. I got out my Wahl 7 in 1 vibe, and started experimenting as he fondled my breasts. Using the vibe on the hood was nice, but as I got more excited I found I had to go closer to the glans. I started using my other hand to pull back my hood, and jumped several times as the vibe touched the glans. I can't say exactly what I did today, but I came close to orgasm 3 times. I would get sorta light headed, but more than that it's as if gravity didn't affect me any longer. My breath quickened.
I have gotten closer before, over a year ago, maybe two, so that's how I was able to recognize what was happening.
So even though I didn't O today, it is encouraging. Heck, hubby and I might still be going at it if I hadn't gotten hungry. That really distracted me.

Dirty

2004-12-18T17:23:00.000-08:00

Well, I started off the day reading a little about sex, and masturbation...nothing to techincal, mostly discussing peoples different misconceptions, especially those held by women. Most women view there vagina as dirty, especially since they urinate out of the same general area. I know I did. I remember my mom telling me to wash my hands after I had touched it. Very subtle messages like that influence how I feel about my genitals. But you know something interesting I learned today? My vagina is generally cleaner than my mouth. Yet I have no compuction about using my mouth to do things that are pleasurable, such as eat dessert, chew gum, or drink my favorite soda. Because of the messages I received as a kid, I don't have the same freedom with my genitals.

Somewhat Affordable Vibe

2004-12-17T20:26:00.000-08:00

Well I was browsing through my favorite tools site, Babeland.com, when I came upon this little gem. It seems to be an inexpensive way to try out the clit stim things. Which considering my financial resources, is a good thing. The Vibe I really want, The rabbit is a whopping 86 buckaroos!
Why, why is it so expensive to experiment sexually?

EEEI THAT'S COLD

2004-12-13T20:16:00.000-08:00

Am I supposed to be turned on now? Why must lubricant be cold? Is there a way to warm it? Somehow I doubt the microwave would work...though I have seen these little milk warmers in baby products. I wonder....

THE Book

2004-12-13T20:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I went to Barnes and Noble today to spend my gift card. I have been looking at lots of sex books recently, "Becoming Orgasmic", "Sex Toys", etc etc. Well, in all the books I looked at, only one had any instructions on how to use a vibrator on your clit, Sexual Happiness for Women. It seems to be a pretty good book, but man at $20.00 it sure hurt the pocket book. Then I found I could get it for $4.38 including shipping! How cool is that? Sexual satisfaction doesn't have to cost me an arm, a leg, and/or favors!
Anywho, I'm returning the copy I bought tonight, and when I get the other copy in, I'll post a review of it. It's too hard to find meaningful reviews of these books. But that's another post.

Candyland or Porno World

2004-12-13T18:49:00.000-08:00

Why is it that when I as a women need to buy a vibrator, I have only 3 choices? I can go to an adult bookstore, and feel like a perv. I can go to a place that resembles "Spencer's Gifts"(tm), with lots of good things for bachlorette parties, but is kinda low on the sex tools department. There has got to be more! I don't need you to slip the vibrator in between condom beer covers and weenie shaped shot glasses. I'm an adult, I can handle looking for a sex tool (yes, I said tool, not toy) without out all the window dressing.
But it appears that retailers are not willing to admit that. At least not as yet.

DAmn

2004-12-12T08:53:00.000-08:00

Man this sucks! I plug in my conair massager, and start playing with it through the clothes. Well the stimulation is nice if not great, but as I go on, I have wave after wave of guilt! Damn it! I have nothing to feel guilty for! Damn my upbringing!

Maya's Board-12 Lays of Christmas

2004-12-12T08:45:00.000-08:00

I just about died while reading this.

Free time, but not yet free spirit

2004-12-12T08:36:00.000-08:00

I woke up this lovely Sunday morning thinking to myself, you know, I have all the time in the world. I could play around with my vibrator. But age old emotions rose up inside of me. I don't know exactly how to describe them except for, resistance tinged with fear. Now why should I be afraid? At worst, I'll waste and hour, and at best, I'll discover more about myself. Yet I was. Apparently, I still feel very uncomfortable about being a sexual being. Not surprising really.
Growing up, my parents taught me abstinence, though they answered just about any question we had. But I didn't learn that sex was beautiful, and normal. Probably because of things like my parents looking scandalized that a man had his hand on a girls butt, or refusing to let us watch movies that insinuated sex. I kinda go the impression that sex was bad, but you could get away with it in marriage. So no I have to fight all that.
Sure, I'm glad I have only had one partner. The worry about disease just isn't there, and the intimacy, I've never shared that with anyone else. But I wish I didn't have these subconscious stodgy beliefs about sex. There has to be a balance, in thinking sex is beautiful, but it's best with one partner. Why is there so much guilt attached?

Mirror Mirror on my floor

2004-12-11T19:55:00.000-08:00

So, I was reading one of the books on my wish list at Barnes and Noble yesterday, and one of the illustrations showed a girl using a mirror to look at her vagina. Well, I had a few minutes today while waiting for my curlers to reheat, so I propped it up and took a look. Vagina's are weird! First thing I see is a bunch of hair. Then I pull the outer lips (no I can't remember the technical name), and hmm there is all this dark pink flesh with ripples and bumps and valleys. It is very strange looking. The Clit is quite hidden amongst all this. Just another little bump with some flesh covering it. But as I explored it, you could definitly tell there was a difference. That's the thing about my clit, it's either not enough pressure, or too much. You know the times that I actually came close to O, I was grinding my hubby with full clothes on. So, two layers of jeans, and two layers of undies made it just right.
But anyway, I guess I will be doing this self exploration alot in the future. It was interesting.

The extra Weird

2004-12-11T16:10:00.000-08:00

Sex isn't just about intercourse. It's about feeling sexy. That's why I'm sitting here staring through my hair with half my head covered in curlers. Soon I will shave pitts and legs, put on tons of lotion, and try to figure out what the hell to wear tonight. By then It will be time to curl the other half of my hair.
But what is the weirdest thing I have used to look sexy? To date, it is by far the Natural Bra is the kookiest. It looks like chicken cutlets, but one side is sticky. So, I'm standing there with my boobs hanging out in front of the mirror, squinting over the instructions. You start by rolling the outside of one cup onto the outside of your breast, and keep rolling it till it's all stuck. Hold it a few seconds, and repeat with other breast. You can hook em together to if you want that "super cleavage" look. Actually, they work ok, though I wouldn't do jumping jacks in them. When you take em off, wash them with gentle non antibacterial soap. What I'm wondering now is, is it bacteria that keeps it sticking on? There is a gross thought.

So, you think I'm a slut....

2004-12-11T15:35:00.000-08:00

Why? Because I talk openly about sex? Because I have vibrators on my wish list? Because I want to be sexually satisfied? Let me tell you something. I was a virgin when I was married, and my husband is still the only man I've ever had sex with. I didn't have my first kiss till I got to college. Going up to a guy and grinding with him is not something I do nor ever have done.
So why am I a slut to you? Is it wrong to want sexual fullilment with the man I love? Or have you just been stuck in your world of "sex is a dirty little secret" so long that someone who dares talk about it scares you?
Those inhibitions are part of my problem. Women aren't supposed to be sexual. We aren't taught to look at our vagina, to try to figure out what is going on there. We have to go to porn shops to get a vibrator. There is an unspoken rule that if your not a real enough women to orgasm "naturally", then at least keep quiet about it. Well too bad. I won't.
So you think I'm a slut? Look at yourself, and ask what really is bothering you. Is it what I'm doing here, or are you afraid of what you might do?

It just aint fair!

2004-12-11T15:00:00.000-08:00

Orgasms. Men get them on a silver platter, women have to fight tooth and nail. Why? Because we are innys and he is an outy? Because men just get everything? I don't know, but damn't, I'm not going to let it stop me. So I haven't O'd yet. I will. Though I spend a fortune on books and vibrators, I will! And you lucky (sick, strange, whatever) people get to read about it. Yay for you.